I Want Those 90 Minutes Back!

Boys As Side Dishes

2008-08-02T22:22:00.002-05:00

While not a stupid movie, per se, Boys On the Side is every cliche that is the chick flick. There's the lesbian element (not that there's anything wrong with that), the woman friendly soundtrack, the mythical "instant friendship" between women who barely know each other, the inevitable male influence that pops up to tear those friendships apart, the loving gazes between said friends, and then someone dies. Almost every typical chick flick follows this formula, as does the typical guy movie, which is why I'm not sure why this movie irritates me enough to watch the whole thing in order to review it. I think its because Drew Barrymore's character is so fucking typical: "Oh, by boyfriend is a drug dealer and beats me, but I love him so much and miss him...oh, wait, that guy's cute!" Or maybe it's because Whoopie Goldberg's lesbian character has to reassure Mary-Louise Parker that she's not after her honey pot after she's outed . Maybe it's the fact that when Drew is on trial and ML testifies on her behalf, she utters "There's something that happens between women," in order to justify their friendship. Women so "complicated" that they're simple. These are the types of movies that make me weep for the future of female friendly cinema. Women are either over-simplified caricatures of themselves or an over-idealized vision of what men think we should be (neurotic, mythical, maternal, virginal, or crazy). This is also why I kind of chuckle at over-the-top action flicks for men. Just once I'd like to watch a film for women that doesn't involve over-wrought women mooning over their failed hopes and dreams, while somehow landing the ever-patient man waiting in the wings.

Stand and Don't Deliver...

2008-07-26T20:38:00.001-05:00

If there are any directors out there that need to be reminded why Stephen King movies should not be made into moves, I would suggest they watch The Stand. Sweet Jesus, what a steaming pile of horse shit. I remember everyone nerding out over it when I was in high school as I also spent a week with my dad watching it on network TV. As I was channel surfing this afternoon, I noticed they were playing on the Sci Fi channel. And, since I don't really remember it, I decided to watch it. Holy fuck, it's horrible. And since I can't turn off a movie once I start watching it, I had to watch it till the very fucking end. Goddamn you Mr. King and Mr. Sinese. Goddamn you to hell! I want my Sunday back, and I want that week way back in 1994 back, too, while I'm at it.

And, as a matter of record, maybe Steve should just stop writing books all together to protect the world from any future cinematic misadventures, Carrie notwithstanding.

Make Way for "The Rapture."

2008-07-25T20:26:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I really hate having to get up early in the morning. Not because I'm not a morning person (which I am), but because sometimes there is a completely awesomely bad movie on cable that I have to quit watching half way through because I can't stay up till 11:30 to finish it. And no, I don't have TiVo or a VCR, so I can't record it either. However, awesomely bad movies shouldn't be recorded, they should be stumbled upon late at night or on a Sunday afternoon, like a frat boy passed out in the middle of the sidewalk along University Ave, watched in their entirety, and never be seen again. Kind of like a Unicorn. Or a gay Republican.

Anyway, last night I watched about half of this movie called "The Rapture" and it was spectacularly awful. It stars Mimi Rogers (who is half-nekkid for most of the first half and has GIGANTIC boobs) and David Duchovny as her love interest. Mimi plays "Susan" who is tired of having empty sex with David and her older French boyfriend (who's a swinger) and ends up in a dirty hotel room about to blow her head off with a gun she stole off of a hitchhiker whom she picked up in L.A. (I'm not kidding, people actually write this shit). However, she chickens out on taking the bullet train and ends up reading the bible in the nightstand and is saved from her slutty ways by having a vision of a pearl (still with me?) and accepting Jesus Christ as her personal savior. She then joins a sect of other believers of "The Pearl" who are eagerly awaiting The Rapture, predicted by their leader (a 12 year old boy) to come in 1996. Along the way she convinces David Duchovny (sporting the worst mullet wig in the UNIVERSE), a devout Atheist, to join her, marry her, and get her preggers. Anyway, this is about where I had to turn it off and go to bed, so I didn't get to see what happened after ol' Davey got killed by a rouge office manager, whom he fired the week before, and Mammary Mimi decides to go on a quest into the desert to await more clues as to when the Rapture is actually going to occur.

But this movie got me thinking this morning…no, not about the Rapture, or hell, even middle-aged swingers. It got me thinking about HOW DO PEOPLE COME UP WITH THIS SHIT? I mean, I could barely make up plausible lies as to where I was all night when grilled by the folks when I was 17, hell, the only time I'm really creative is when I get pulled over for speeding. Furthermore, this movie was so fucking horrible I want to know who the screenwriter had to blow to get this turd produced. And, Mimi Rogers? Really? Also, since I was only 14 when this came out (and there was no way my mother would have let me see Mimi's hooters), I have no idea if it even spent any time in the box office (probably not) or if it went straight to video. And finally, I'm starting to think that there were no good movies made in the early '90's (and I include that pile of shit "Reality Bites" in this statement), since every bad movie I've seen lately was made in either 1990 or 1991.

P.S. I also watched "Side Out" (remember C. Thomas Howell?) on UPN this weekend (another channel filled to the brim with bad movies for your weekend viewing pleasure) and it was just as corny, neon-y, mullet-y, and high-waisted jeans-y as I remember it.

(reposted from my primary blog)

I'm a Bad Movie Connosieur...

2008-07-25T20:21:00.003-05:00

In my effort to understand my love of the truly awful cinema, I give you "I Want Those 90 Minutes Back," a blog that recaps my horror and delight at wasting 2 hours (and sometimes an entire day) watching bad movies on basic digital cable (except for the Lifetime channel, because a girl's gotta have standards...and a life).

I watch this shit so you don't have to.